The Yes Or No Decisions

I would love to say that my Soul’s Journey came to a close when I crossed the Michigan state line, but it has not. If anything I am wangling a whole new breed of demanding dragons that are desperate to haul my tush back to the past. They are damn insistent that I be the person I was years ago before Jeremiah died. I was predictable to them. Maybe predictable is the wrong word; my insecurity, fear of (fill in the blank) and feelings of insignificance was comfortable to them because I rarely said “No”. I was selfless; to clarify – without Self.

In the past I would begrudgingly take on the endless list of tasks of taking care of everyone else’s needs and put myself last (and quite often remove myself from the list). I would drop what I wanted to do, and had set the intention of doing, to help someone else with their thing because I felt I had to. Sound familiar?

The transformation I underwent on the road has really pissed off a handful of people back home. Why? I no longer feel guilty when I say “No.” In addition, I opened this miraculous internal gift somewhere in New Mexico that I can tell when someone is attempting to manipulate me. Best part is my answer still remains “No.” Let me tell ya, that simple two-letter word packs one helluva punch! Talk about power! It’s so fricken empowering that I’m joyfully doing the cha-cha with the exclamation mark as we weave in and out and between the N and O. Yes. It feels that good.

If it feels good, and I feel good about it, I do say “Yes”, too.

I have a deeper appreciation as to why it is so difficult for us to transform our lives. For me, the most self-loving thing I did for myself was to leave all things familiar for seven months. Just like Cheryl Strayed (author of Wild) did when she hiked the Pacific Trail, I found ME on a trails out west.

Looking back as the observer, the transformation into Self-love would not have occurred if I remained here. The relentless pressures to be what everyone else demanded, expected and insisted I do for them were too strong. I truly believe that if I settled back into my home on the hill after this trip that I would have slipped into the old, unloving-to-self Self.

I am grateful for my friends’ generosity to allow me to “camp” in their side yard for as long as I desire. Their gift to me is been priceless. The transformation process of evolving self-love, -appreciation and -worth continues to expand.

Transformation is not as easy as the movies make it out to be. Choosing to make a change is the easy part. Doing what it takes to transform is difficult. Maintaining the transformation without sliding back into the habit of the old self is worthy of the badge of honor.

I love my new habit of asking myself, “Is this decision the most loving thing for myself? How do I feel saying yes or no?”