Indecisive Irony

Irony is composing this blog post about a chapter in the book I am writing loosely based on a blog post I wrote almost two years ago that, remarkably, coincided with a comment I wrote moments ago to a friend on Messenger, and applies to a comment I made on the draft of a client’s book I’m copyediting.

The blog post, titled Learning to Wander, shares a pinch of the indecision I was experiencing after I’d sold my home of twenty-six years and prior to making the decision to live the nomadic lifestyle I currently maintain. The chapter within the soul’s journey book goes deeper, and, as you’d expect from me, with a dash of sarcasm. Okay, maybe more than a dash. What can I say; I’m full of it. Sarcasm, to clarify.

This is a glimpse of the very, very rough shitty first draft content I mentioned within the book I’m penning:

Determining what I wanted to experience was the hardest part of this new journey. It’s the deciding that threw me down the rabbit hole of indecisiveness like a tattered rag doll. The mind, with all its logic, monkey-mind thoughts, asked, Is that realistic? Is this possible? How are you going to do it? Who’s going to help you if you get a flat tire or if the transmission goes out? Is this the right choice? What if… In the meantime my heart quietly waited for my attention.

Indecision was the ice shards in fear-freeze. It’s cold, ruthless way of halting any forward motion and kept me frozen in a state of doubt-filled questions. I’ve been told a million times, “You already know your answers, you just have to silent your mind and listen with your heart.” I dislike that statement passionately more each time I hear it. It’s true, but it still thrusts me into a discombobulated frame of insanity.

What’s more ironic is I am seeping in the cesspool of indecision again. Damn it all to hell!

My mind sling shots between writing my soul’s journey novel (which I’ve been doing), setting up an account with a print-on-demand company to sell my doodles on various products, host another writer’s circle mastermind group, finding a yoga group to join, publishing a collaboration book (not that writing one book is enough for me) to fit the Elements For A Healthier Life website theme, walk the shoreline of Lake Michigan, hike the mountainous trails in New Mexico, start an online store to sell crystals and other items, sit around all day and play with Willie James, start a podcast, and oh-oh so much more.

Yet, my intuition says, “Rest. Trust.”

“But I want to do something productive and F-U-N! Which two or three should I focus on?” I plead.

“Trust.”

I let out a heavy exhale. “Augh. Really. You expect me to sit here and be patient? Or, as you say, trust.”

“Just be,” my inner voice reiterates. “Trust.”

“But I want to ‘do’ something! I want to move forward with something grand. I wanna know what I should do that’ll earn a sustainable income and remain creative and fun.”

“Just be. Trust. Enjoy life.”

“Are you serious? Just ‘be’? That’s it? Trust what? And enjoy life? I want to know which thing to do first!” I whine.

“Just be. Trust. Enjoy life. Breathe,” my inner voice says without wavering its volume.

The monkey-mind within is flailing its arms, stumping its feet, and is one unhappy camper. It doesn’t like this set of instructions. “Trust. HA! Really? Breathe? Yo! I’m not holding by breath – dah!! Enjoy life. Yeah, right. I’m trying to survive it!” it sputters in defiance.

A vision with dialog fills my mind: The services I offer as a virtual assistant naturally shifted to copyediting books for clients without me even trying to shift it. I’ve helped one client edit and publish their book, and I’m currently assisting another writer with her soul’s journey book. “Hey…” I pause and ponder, “maybe there is something to this ‘trust’, ‘be’, ‘enjoying life’, and ‘breathing’ thing. Huh. I’m curious to see what happens next.”

By the way, did you catch that the first line of the draft gives me the answer I, evidently, already knew without realizing it until this very moment – “Determining what I want to experience…” Crap. They were right. I do know my own answers. What is it I want to experience? How do I want to feel? What makes my life feel more exciting?