Elements Of Love

“Your perception of me is your perception. It is not mine. For some people, that may be a hard pill to swallow. Please don’t choke on it.” -C.K. Kochis

I’m not sure what happened on the four hour drive between the last campground and this one, but -wow- do I feel… I feel… I feel like I shed a lot of baggage along the mid-western back roads and interstate highways. This isn’t your average, everyday litter of plastic water bottles, candy wrappers, baby wipes and one flip flop tossed out the truck window for someone else to pick up for me. Nope. Not at all.

Somewhere along the drive I said good-bye to the insecure fifteen year old female begging for the attention the other girls were getting from the boys. It felt good to let her grow her wings and see that she’s good enough; actually, better then that!  And while I’m on the topic, to the male who (on occasion) texts the juvenile messages about wanting pictures of me in a bikini does not impress this woman. I have not, nor will I respond to your pathetic attempt at flirtation. Evidently you don’t know me that well.  Not even the fantasy version of me you have stuck in your mind would I find your behavior appealing. Dude, show some respect. 

Somewhere at the peak of a hilltop I cast out the window the collection of unkind and degrading words I’ve carried all my life about my appearance. I said good-bye to the self-image of ugliness. It felt good to watch the transformation as the cruelty morphed into a beautiful, radiant butterfly.  Fly away, Beautiful One. Spread your wings; tell the others who dwell in the ugliness of other people’s criticisms that they are, in fact, more beautiful than mere words can express.

Somewhere near a spring-fed creek I sent the unlovable aspect of me to bath in the flowing waters. The shock of the cold water took my breath away as the sun replenished my lungs with the warm air of love and light. I inhaled deeply. I felt the compassion of self, appreciation for internal wisdom and acceptance of my truth to flow within the oxygen in my veins. 

Somewhere in a small country town close to extinction my fears melted and slid out of the truck in the thin space between the door and the floorboard. I felt her rise and greet the stranger walking to his car. She embraced the unshaven male in dusty clothes as if she embraced a child. “All is well; all is forgiven; you are loved,” are the only words felt in the exchange of energy. We share similar hopes and dreams for our loved ones. We possess more similarities than differences. We are connected – you and I. 

Somewhere on the open road a lot of what I was taught was unlearned. Plenty of beliefs fell off my shoulders. One in particular rolled around on the floor behind the driver’s seat as I wrestled with why it bothered me so deeply. A heart with fear can’t house love in it. That line was used in response to a blog post I wrote several weeks ago. The words, and intention, were not intended to cause harm nor malice. They are, after all, words formed to create a belief. I have the choice to accept it, or allow it to reside unaltered with the beholder. I wholeheartedly disagree with the statement, respectfully. My heart is full of love. I possess a grand gift of loving too deep and being too sensitive to the emotions and energies of others. I am very capable of love even in my darkest days and most fearful of moments. To be honest, I am beginning to understand that that’s when I feel the deepest love and compassion for all beings. You see, I am a healer and protector. On my darkest days, it was not the love of self that got me out of bed, but the love I have for others. I tend to my obligations and responsibilities to the best of my abilities; some days I am more attentive than others. But, at no point does love exit my heart. To me, there is such a thing as healthy fear; such as fear of being harmed, illness and etc. Fear yields us from being reckless or without caution. It is a safety mechanism we utilize in protecting our self and others. 

Somewhere parked along the riverbank that my traveling home will reside this week, I’ve never felt this strong, loved and embodied in who I am. There will be more emotional layers shed on this journey and trauma-drama-grieving-momma tidal wave will hit again. I’m okay with it. It simply means I am alive and an element of love. 

Along the way…