The Adventure Continues…
How Long Will It Take
“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” -May Sarton
How long would it take for anyone to notice I changed campgrounds? How long would it take for anyone to notice that I cut my hair short? How long would it take for anyone to give a shit?
Loneliness is a bastard.
I woke up Sunday morning and immediately reached for my cellphone to scroll through anything other than the thoughts rolling through my mind. Why am I not having fun? I’m in a beautiful place, but… but… I feel so alone. Again I question, what the fuck was I thinking?
Sure. I chose to travel alone. Every ounce of that choice is on me; no one to blame here, there or anywhere.
Often I find myself wanting to share the beauty of the mountainous landscape, greenish blues coloring the clear lakes, violent ledge of the canyons, uninterrupted terrain to the horizon and everything else in between. But I don’t. Mostly I keep it to myself fearful that people will believe I’m rubbing their over-stressed noses in the fact that I am here and they are not. Besides, too many of my calls and text messages go unanswered so why reach out anymore. Why feed the heartbreak of loneliness?
Loneliness is cruel. I wish it was something I could simply get over with a snap of my fattening fingers. Saturday afternoon I stood in Walmart, although not invisible, I felt unseen.
Is my loneliness a form of self-loathing? If I loved myself more, would I still feel lonely? What if I experienced it from the perspective of another heartbeat, would it feel the same?
I truly understand how loneliness deflates the desire to be creative, active, productive and stifles any motion in day-to-day things because the only words that effervescently lingers in the shadows of a bored mind are what’s the point?
There’s no self-pity, only a curiosity, in questioning, “Does anyone care?”
I care. I care about my well-being. The content above was written Sunday with the raw emotions I was feeling in that moment. By sunset on Sunday, three of the people returned my call. Today (Monday), I woke up in a loving and grateful state of mind.
On Sunday, as the words “does anyone care” appeared on the monitor screen, I closed the lid on my laptop. I put on Jeremiah’s brown zip-up sweatshirt, my faded blue Newberry Michigan baseball cap and shoes, grabbed the headphones for my cellphone and stepped outside to go for a walk.
It was on the trail I attempted to reach out to a familiar voice to calm my triggered emotions. I called two people; neither answered. The tears fell harder and faster. To the west, and far enough off the trail, there was a large rock that I could sit and cry without attracting attention. I ambled my way to it, avoiding the prickly pear cactus, in an attempted to pull myself together. I tried two more phone numbers; no one answered.
They say to reach out to someone when you feel deep emotional heartbreak. What they don’t tell you is what to do when no one answers your call. Loneliness was the only company willing to talk to me. I got up and walked back to the trail. I had two choices: go back to the camper and curl up in bed with a box of tissues or continue on my hike and ‘walk through’ (feel) the emotions. I dialed another person’s number. No answer. That was the fifth unanswered calls. I reinforced with each footstep, “I am loved. They’re all busy in this moment.” I continued to hike up the trail and shifted my attention to finding jasper, crystals, obsidian and whatever other gemstones are on the Small Florida Mountain.
Curiosity guided me to explore areas further up the mountainside and off the well-worn trail. I sat upon large boulders and soaked in the sun’s rays. The park seemed rather quiet from my rocky perch. A young couple, probably in their thirties, raced each other up a ridge to the east of where I sat. They were far enough away that I could not decipher what they said, but I could hear the joy, love and lust in their voices.
A voice from deep within asked, How do you want to feel? You have the choice to feel whatever you desire. You ARE that powerful.”
I stood up, and climbed further up the mountainside. I couldn’t help but listen to the vocal tone of the couple’s muffled conversation. A boy (about six or seven years old) on the trail I wandered off of, yelled out, “Dad! I found a fossil! I found a fossil!” My internal wisdom was right, and I stated the question out loud, What emotions do I want to feel? And then, I realized, I failed the test confirmed something – sugar and flour has a direct affect on my mood and state of mind.
As I’ve mentioned before, I eat relatively healthy. Certainly I could make better food choices. As you’ve heard from a boss giving an evaluation say, “There’s always room for improvement.” On this journey, I’ve experimented (again and again) with how certain foods affect me emotionally and physically. When I was a student of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, my knowledge of the food is thy medicine concept expanded and I took it more seriously by eliminating certain ingredients from the foods I consumed.
Various thoughts formed as I made my way back to the trail. The one that I decided to explore was, What was the trigger and/or lesson from this ungraceful emotional tumble?
I remembered that as the winds picked up and the temperatures dropped during the snowstorm on Friday, the need for hot baked goods fed my graving for hot-out-of-the-oven brownies. The graving was so strong that it overwhelmed my commonsense to avoid white processed sugar and (wheat) flour. Piping hot, I ate about half of the half-batch I baked (I have a combination microwave/convection oven and can only bake half of the recipe at a time). The remaining brownies were devoured before noon on Saturday.
Another trigger: the unknown future of Elements For A Healthier Life. I am trying to figure out what to do with ElementsForAHealthierLife.com. Do I start publishing the digital magazine again? Do I convert the website to something else? Or, do I toss it all away and accept the lessons as they are – lessons. Nope. I, as Marie Forlio states often, decided “it’s all figureoutable.” Friday was a pivotal day; I invested in myself by registering for Marie Forlio’s B-School. One of the bonus courses is Start The Right Business. I plowed through the first six modules with AHA’s scribbled across the notebook pages as fast as I could write. The moment I started module seven Saturday evening, everything stopped. Guess the subject. Yup. Making money. Bingo! Another self-sabotaging trigger.
I was on a roll and feeling like this gal’s got her shit together now! I’m sooo going to succeed! Thank you, Marie! until I hit the How To Know If Your Idea Will Make Money module.
What did I get when I added a cup of sugar and flour, a pinch of loneliness and a dash of money insecurities into the midnight cocktail? A really, really bad emotional day.
I finished composing this entry Monday morning, my typically blog writing day, in a good state of mind and loving life. It’s hard to leave the vulnerability contained within the document. What will people think? What will they say? The real question is: what’s the point of sharing it? To help people understand that 1. it’s okay to feel what you feel, 2. there may be a hidden reasons you are not always feeling good about things. The initial intention and purpose of ElementsForAHealthierLife.com was to encourage women (and men) to explore the elements – relationships, workplace, body movement, spirituality and the foods we nourish our precious bodies – for living and experiencing a healthier life. We have a responsibility to our health and wellness, and to feel our best. Isn’t that what we all want? To feel our best?
As many of you know, I am a multipassionate entrepreneur. I am preparing for what’s next. My unwavering intention to encourage women to awaken their desire to shift from an existence of stagnation and stifling routines to participating in a life that reflects their inner knowings and passions. remains stronger than ever. The digital magazine I published provided insights from professionals and personal stories of transformation to spark encouragement and offered pearls of wisdom in order to live life in motion.
So now what?
First, I will eliminate the food triggers from my home (aka the camper) the next time I take the trash out so I do not consume them again. I research which type of sweetener and flour will be best suited for me.
Second, pull up my big girl panties and forge through that module that added to the emotional fallout.
Third, pat my self on the back for doing the things to feel the emotions, allow them to tell me what’s off balance and nurture myself to the best of my ability.
I spoke with another female RV’er who’s been on the road for over a year. Our candid conversation did hit the topic of loneliness and traveling alone. It is a double edged sword. On one hand, it’s nice not having someone to discuss the next activity or location. However, there’s no one to discuss the next activity or location.
This was – and is – the best decision for me. I’ve uncovered so many hidden layers of myself that I could never had found/experienced with someone around to occupy my focus. I’m good with traveling by myself. I met this really cool chic.
As I begin to unravel the future of Elements For A Healthier Life, I ask you: How long will it take you to…
…live your best life?
…explore your elements for a healthier life?
Captured moments along the way…
Explore the adventures that got me here…
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