The Adventure Continues…

How Long Will It Take

“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” -May Sarton

How long would it take for anyone to notice I changed campgrounds? How long would it take for anyone to notice that I cut my hair short? How long would it take for anyone to give a shit?

Loneliness is a bastard.

I woke up Sunday morning and immediately reached for my cellphone to scroll through anything other than the thoughts rolling through my mind. Why am I not having fun? I’m in a beautiful place, but… but… I feel so alone. Again I question, what the fuck was I thinking?

Sure. I chose to travel alone. Every ounce of that choice is on me; no one to blame here, there or anywhere.

Often I find myself wanting to share the beauty of the mountainous landscape, greenish blues coloring the clear lakes, violent ledge of the canyons, uninterrupted terrain to the horizon and everything else in between. But I don’t. Mostly I keep it to myself fearful that people will believe I’m rubbing their over-stressed noses in the fact that I am here and they are not. Besides, too many of my calls and text messages go unanswered so why reach out anymore. Why feed the heartbreak of loneliness?

Loneliness is cruel. I wish it was something I could simply get over with a snap of my fattening fingers. Saturday afternoon I stood in Walmart, although not invisible, I felt unseen.

Is my loneliness a form of self-loathing? If I loved myself more, would I still feel lonely? What if I experienced it from the perspective of another heartbeat, would it feel the same?

I truly understand how loneliness deflates the desire to be creative, active, productive and stifles any motion in day-to-day things because the only words that effervescently lingers in the shadows of a bored mind are what’s the point?

There’s no self-pity, only a curiosity, in questioning, “Does anyone care?”

 

I care. I care about my well-being. The content above was written Sunday with the raw emotions I was feeling in that moment. By sunset on Sunday, three of the people returned my call. Today (Monday), I woke up in a loving and grateful state of mind.

On Sunday, as the words “does anyone care” appeared on the monitor screen, I closed the lid on my laptop. I put on Jeremiah’s brown zip-up sweatshirt, my faded blue Newberry Michigan baseball cap and shoes, grabbed the headphones for my cellphone and stepped outside to go for a walk.

It was on the trail I attempted to reach out to a familiar voice to calm my triggered emotions. I called two people; neither answered. The tears fell harder and faster. To the west, and far enough off the trail, there was a large rock that I could sit and cry without attracting attention. I ambled my way to it, avoiding the prickly pear cactus, in an attempted to pull myself together. I tried two more phone numbers; no one answered.

They say to reach out to someone when you feel deep emotional heartbreak. What they don’t tell you is what to do when no one answers your call. Loneliness was the only company willing to talk to me. I got up and walked back to the trail. I had two choices: go back to the camper and curl up in bed with a box of tissues or continue on my hike and ‘walk through’ (feel) the emotions. I dialed another person’s number. No answer. That was the fifth unanswered calls. I reinforced with each footstep, “I am loved. They’re all busy in this moment.” I continued to hike up the trail and shifted my attention to finding jasper, crystals, obsidian and whatever other gemstones are on the Small Florida Mountain.

Curiosity guided me to explore areas further up the mountainside and off the well-worn trail. I sat upon large boulders and soaked in the sun’s rays. The park seemed rather quiet from my rocky perch. A young couple, probably in their thirties, raced each other up a ridge to the east of where I sat. They were far enough away that I could not decipher what they said, but I could hear the joy, love and lust in their voices.

A voice from deep within asked, How do you want to feel? You have the choice to feel whatever you desire. You ARE that powerful.”

I stood up, and climbed further up the mountainside. I couldn’t help but listen to the vocal tone of the couple’s muffled conversation. A boy (about six or seven years old) on the trail I wandered off of, yelled out, “Dad! I found a fossil! I found a fossil!” My internal wisdom was right, and I stated the question out loud, What emotions do I want to feel? And then, I realized, I failed the test confirmed something – sugar and flour has a direct affect on my mood and state of mind.

As I’ve mentioned before, I eat relatively healthy. Certainly I could make better food choices. As you’ve heard from a boss giving an evaluation say, “There’s always room for improvement.” On this journey, I’ve experimented (again and again) with how certain foods affect me emotionally and physically. When I was a student of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, my knowledge of the food is thy medicine concept expanded and I took it more seriously by eliminating certain ingredients from the foods I consumed.

Various thoughts formed as I made my way back to the trail. The one that I decided to explore was, What was the trigger and/or lesson from this ungraceful emotional tumble?

I remembered that as the winds picked up and the temperatures dropped during the snowstorm on Friday, the need for hot baked goods fed my graving for hot-out-of-the-oven brownies. The graving was so strong that it overwhelmed my commonsense to avoid white processed sugar and (wheat) flour. Piping hot, I ate about half of the half-batch I baked (I have a combination microwave/convection oven and can only bake half of the recipe at a time). The remaining brownies were devoured before noon on Saturday.

Another trigger: the unknown future of Elements For A Healthier Life. I am trying to figure out what to do with ElementsForAHealthierLife.com. Do I start publishing the digital magazine again? Do I convert the website to something else? Or, do I toss it all away and accept the lessons as they are – lessons. Nope. I, as Marie Forlio states often, decided “it’s all figureoutable.” Friday was a pivotal day; I invested in myself by registering for Marie Forlio’s B-School. One of the bonus courses is Start The Right Business. I plowed through the first six modules with AHA’s scribbled across the notebook pages as fast as I could write. The moment I started module seven Saturday evening, everything stopped. Guess the subject. Yup. Making money. Bingo! Another self-sabotaging trigger.

I was on a roll and feeling like this gal’s got her shit together now! I’m sooo going to succeed! Thank you, Marie! until I hit the How To Know If Your Idea Will Make Money module.

What did I get when I added a cup of sugar and flour, a pinch of loneliness and a dash of money insecurities into the midnight cocktail? A really, really bad emotional day.

I finished composing this entry Monday morning, my typically blog writing day, in a good state of mind and loving life. It’s hard to leave the vulnerability contained within the document. What will people think? What will they say? The real question is: what’s the point of sharing it? To help people understand that 1. it’s okay to feel what you feel, 2. there may be a hidden reasons you are not always feeling good about things. The initial intention and purpose of ElementsForAHealthierLife.com was to encourage women (and men) to explore the elements – relationships, workplace, body movement, spirituality and the foods we nourish our precious bodies – for living and experiencing a healthier life. We have a responsibility to our health and wellness, and to feel our best. Isn’t that what we all want? To feel our best?

As many of you know, I am a multipassionate entrepreneur. I am preparing for what’s next. My unwavering intention to encourage women to awaken their desire to shift from an existence of stagnation and stifling routines to participating in a life that reflects their inner knowings and passions. remains stronger than ever. The digital magazine I published provided insights from professionals and personal stories of transformation to spark encouragement and offered pearls of wisdom in order to live life in motion.

So now what?

First, I will eliminate the food triggers from my home (aka the camper) the next time I take the trash out so I do not consume them again. I research which type of sweetener and flour will be best suited for me.

Second, pull up my big girl panties and forge through that module that added to the emotional fallout.

Third, pat my self on the back for doing the things to feel the emotions, allow them to tell me what’s off balance and nurture myself to the best of my ability.

I spoke with another female RV’er who’s been on the road for over a year. Our candid conversation did hit the topic of loneliness and traveling alone. It is a double edged sword. On one hand, it’s nice not having someone to discuss the next activity or location. However, there’s no one to discuss the next activity or location.

This was – and is – the best decision for me. I’ve uncovered so many hidden layers of myself that I could never had found/experienced with someone around to occupy my focus. I’m good with traveling by myself. I met this really cool chic.

As I begin to unravel the future of Elements For A Healthier Life, I ask you: How long will it take you to…
…live your best life?
…explore your elements for a healthier life?

Captured moments along the way…

Big Florida Mountain from the Small Florida mountainside trail
A rainy day at Rockhound State Park, New Mexico.
Crystals along the trail.
Prickly Pear Cactus love.

Explore the adventures that got me here…

Love; The Boundless Adventure

The Adventure Continues..."No matter what has happened in your life, you always have an invitation from love. Love is not limited or “conditionalized” in our experience. We never have to earn or prove who we are in order to be loved; love is infinite.." -Eddie...

No Dirt Under My Nails

The Adventure Continues..."Writing isn’t about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it’s about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well." -Stephen KingThe excitement...

One Fish, Five Horses & A Birthday

The Adventure Continues..."Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it." - Terri Irwin Truth be told, I wasn't sure how I would be on Jeremiah's birthday. Weeks ago, on the second anniversary of his passing, I reacted...

To Write. To Travel. To Explore.

Curious to find out where my adventures lead me? Subscribe to find out!

#PenToPaper

About The Author

C.K. Kochis

I am a writer; it's what I do. My mission in life is to guide women exhausted from nurturing others and the stagnation of daily routines to ignite self-love through the power of their words. I am utilizing my Integrative Nutrition Health Coach education as the foundation of ElementsForAHealthierLife.com to create a platform for coaches and leaders to share pearls of wisdom and professional insights. I wrote, designed and published “Get A Compass Not A Clock” and “UnLeash Your Story: A Journal Writer's Guidebook”. My virtual assistant clients keep me creatively busy, while my grandsons teach me about the importance of play.

14 Comments

  1. Andrea

    Wowza! You sure are doing your work, girlfriend. Sending lots of virtual hugs and “brava”s!

    Reply
    • C.K. Kochis

      Thank you for your kindness and virtual hugs, Andrea.

      Reply
  2. Barbara Parcells

    I have a feeling that these ups and downs will be your traveling companions for some time to come. That’s ok. They all have something to teach you. As long as you don’t let them take control of the map and never, never let them drive, it’s all one big, delicious adventure!

    Reply
    • C.K. Kochis

      I agree, Barb. “They” are my companions and teaching me a lot about Self. I have no intentions of giving “them” control of the map, nor steering wheel. Life is an amazingly delicious adventure; it was never intended to be lived in gray-scale.

      Reply
  3. Tae Lynne

    Ah, the dreaded sugar crash the day after a binge! That, along with all the alone time must have been some doozy of a cry. But it’s okay because it cleansed you & you didn’t let it keep you down. I’m so proud of the growth & self-discovery I’m witnessing in you. I know it’s gotta be raw & uncomfortable, but know we have your back! XO

    Reply
    • C.K. Kochis

      It was a “doozy” of a cry, and very cleansing. My time on (and off) the hiking trail was very healing. Mother Nature has a way of consoling me. Yes, I know you have my back, Tae. You always have and always will.

      Reply
  4. Suzie Cheel

    Wow I understand that feeling does anyone care, then I come back to I have to care first for me 🙂 Lots of learning here and thank you for sharing xx

    Reply
    • C.K. Kochis

      Feeling that no one cares is not a topic many want to talk about, yet so many feel it from time to time. I love your words, “then I come back to I have to care first for me.” Yes! YES! YES!!

      Reply
  5. Kathleen

    You are amazing! When I read your words I feel like I am sitting right next to you, experiencing the same things. Those trigger foods will get us every time. But that’s ok. We bounce back braver and stronger than before. <3

    Reply
    • C.K. Kochis

      Thank you for your sweet words, Kathleen. And, I know better. But… but… those cravings can be powerful. Each time I (we) do bounce back stronger, and more determined to heal through feeling what I (we) feel unapologetically. When I write, I imagine you sitting across the table from me. As a college professor told me, “I don’t have to say to you don’t tell me, show me, because I’m already sitting with you in your words.”

      Reply
  6. Laura Joseph

    I love your rawness and ability to put into words how you were feeling and all that you did to overcome and work through those challenging human emotions. Powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing

    Reply
    • C.K. Kochis

      Thank you, Laura. Your comment warms my heart.

      Reply
  7. Vatsala Shukla

    I discovered the cathartic effect of crying after I lost my father back in 2004 and encourage people to cry rather than let the pain wreck havoc on our bodies and psyche, Cindy. I’ve noticed that with age (eeks),

    I’ve developed an intolerance to wheat and flour and eating it as part of my meal at lunchtime leads to a solid siesta where nobody can wake me up. So I’m tracking my blood sugar even though there isn’t a history of diabetes in my family.

    Thank you for this week’s post, I’m sitting here reflecting on the wisdom you’ve offered and where I need to check in with myself.

    Reply
  8. Ana S.P. Coffey

    This was wonderful Cindy! I have been in that state of “does anyone even care?” so many times. It is a slippery slope and I know where it leads. I think I am much better at catching myself at my own victim mentality now (a habit of mine) before it gets too far, but I still go there sometimes (as I think most of us do).

    I also find that even thought I love myself leaps and bounds more than I used too, I still get lonely sometimes. Not nearly as often and it isn’t nearly as crippling anymore, but it definitely still happens. I spend most days alone, both working on my blog and on the farm and sometimes I have to just go window shopping or to a yoga class so I can be around people, even if I don’t talk to anyone.

    I have also debated B-school so many times! I can’t wait to hear more about what you think of it! I think I would like to do it when that money comes around next.

    Reply

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Newsletter

Books by C.K. Kochis

Certifications


Pin It on Pinterest

Share This